When you think about why people cheat, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For many, it’s sex. The assumption is simple: if someone sneaks around behind their partner’s back, there must be a strong physical attraction or the thrill of being with someone new.
But experts say that’s rarely the whole story. In fact, according to Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, a clinical psychologist, cheating is usually more about emotional needs than physical ones. “What drives a person to engage in betrayal is the real reason for cheating,” he tells Bustle.
For example, if someone doesn’t feel connected to their partner or isn’t receiving emotional validation, they may be more susceptible to outside attention. A friend or coworker who listens and offers support can quickly become more than just a confidant — and that emotional connection can escalate into an affair.
While that perspective might not ease the pain for those who’ve been cheated on, it does offer a more nuanced understanding. Here, women share their personal reasons for cheating, and experts weigh in on the complex, often emotional motivations behind infidelity.
1. They’re Avoiding Conflict
When a relationship is full of tension — or even just going through a rough patch — some people panic and seek comfort elsewhere.
At that point, the affair isn’t really about sex. It’s about escape. “Cheating allows them to be with someone where problems and conflicts don’t exist,” Klapow explains. “Where they find respite, support, and validation.”
That was the case for Deonne, 40. She noticed red flags in her relationship but wasn’t ready to face them. Being with someone else, she says, “filled a void” and felt like the easiest option.
2. They Have Weak Boundaries
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a marriage counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, points out that weak personal boundaries can make cheating more likely.
“It’s natural to connect with people,” he says, “and when emotional intimacy grows, it’s easy for it to tip into romance.” Without firm boundaries, friendships — especially with coworkers — can evolve into affairs.
That’s why it’s crucial for couples to clearly define what counts as cheating, and to agree on boundaries in social and professional situations.
3. They Want to Save the Relationship
It might sound counterintuitive, but some people cheat as a cry for help — a desperate attempt to save a relationship that’s in trouble.
Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expert, explains that cheating can be an unhealthy way of signaling dissatisfaction. “They’re not necessarily looking for sex,” she says. “They want to start a conversation — even if it’s a painful one.”
While this approach is far from ideal, it sometimes opens the door to deeper communication, and in some cases, even strengthens the relationship.
4. They Want Out
On the flip side, cheating can be a cowardly way to end things.
“Some people cheat hoping their partner will find out and do the breaking up for them,” says mental health expert Emily Mendez, MS, EdS.
Instead of directly expressing their desire to leave, they behave in ways that invite discovery — like texting an affair partner in plain sight or staying out late. It’s a passive-aggressive approach that avoids honest confrontation.
5. They Have an Abusive Past
For Raina, 44, cheating was tied to deeper wounds. An abusive childhood and a toxic first marriage shaped her emotional world. In both her marriages, she eventually had affairs — not to seek pleasure, but to reclaim her sense of self.
“I spent two years in therapy trying to heal,” she says. But her second husband wasn’t supportive. When another man offered space and emotional support, she began an affair. “He helped me feel strong enough to keep going.”
Looking back, Raina doesn’t regret the affairs. “One gave me my children. The other gave me myself.”
6. They Want to Boost Their Self-Esteem
Low self-worth can also lead someone to cheat.
“When someone feels down about themselves, the thrill of a forbidden romance can provide a temporary boost,” says couples therapist Tracy K. Ross, LCSW. “If things aren’t going well at work or in life, attention from someone new can feel like a much-needed ego lift.”
Flirty texts, compliments, and the feeling of being desired — it’s all intoxicating when someone’s confidence is low.
7. They’re Lonely
Many affairs begin not with lust, but with loneliness.
“The majority of people who cheat are not emotionally fulfilled,” says certified relationship coach Ellen Bolin. Emotional affairs often precede physical ones, driven by the need to feel seen, heard, and valued.
The key to prevention? Communication. Letting a partner know when you’re feeling disconnected can help avoid emotional drift.
8. They’re Bored
Sometimes, the motivation is as simple as boredom — not necessarily with the partner, but with life in general.
“Cheating can be a way to feel alive, special, or seen,” Ross says. “And the sneaking around is often more exciting than the sex itself.”
In these cases, an affair isn’t about dissatisfaction in the relationship — it’s about the person seeking excitement or purpose elsewhere.
9. They’re Seeking Revenge
Revenge cheating stems from resentment, anger, or unresolved hurt.
“The person may feel unsupported or ignored, and cheating becomes an act of defiance,” Klapow explains. “It’s an emotional release and a way of avoiding the real issue.”
Of course, this approach only deepens the rift. Revenge may feel good in the moment, but it rarely addresses the underlying problem.
Understanding the reasons behind infidelity doesn’t excuse it — but it can offer insight. As Deonne wisely puts it, “Cheating is a temporary fix to a deeper issue.”
By addressing those deeper issues — through open dialogue, emotional honesty, and mutual effort — many couples can avoid infidelity altogether and build stronger, more connected relationships.
